If you were to take a poll of people on the street about what they think about when they think of the “Holiday Season,” most of them would say that it is a time of joy, giving, and family. When you ask people what their plans are for the holidays, many might say, “I don’t know, I’ll probably be with my family”. The holidays can be stressful for a variety of reasons, and a big stressor is spending time with family. For many people, being with family is an enjoyable and relaxing experience. For others, it can be stressful and cause dread, especially if you have a complicated relationship with them.
A complicated relationship or dynamic with family is characterized by ongoing patterns of conflict, misunderstanding, emotional distance, or unresolved issues that make interactions difficult or painful. It could be with your entire family or certain family member(s). This dynamic can stem from many things, such as past traumas, differing values, differing political beliefs, personality clashes, communication breakdowns, or unmet expectations. This can lead to a sense of obligation rather than a genuine desire to spend time together, and can leave individuals feeling emotionally drained or unfulfilled after family interactions. If you have a complicated relationship with family, it can be confusing to navigate because, on one hand, there’s often love and attachment to them, but, on the other hand, there’s likely frustration, sadness, and/or resentment.
Because the holidays are often so family-focused, these conflicting emotions about family can make it hard to be around them or have a difficult time tolerating your emotions. Here are some things you can do to help uncomplicate the holidays:
Radical Acceptance.
You need to radically accept that you have a complicated relationship with your family, if you haven’t already. Acceptance is necessary before taking any steps to change. You don’t have to try to change your relationship with your family (unless you want to), but you have to accept your responses to them. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you approve of what they have done or are doing, but acknowledging that it happened. Here is a blog on radical acceptance.
Opposite Action.
If you want to be around family for the holidays, you might have to act opposite to your emotion’s action urge. If you have a lot of anger towards your family or a specific person, you can do opposite action of anger by gently avoiding them, being a little kind to them, and doing willing hands. If you are feeling guilty or ashamed about past actions, you can apologize for what you have done or make public what you were feeling ashamed of with people who won’t reject you. I do want to specify that it does not fit the facts to be ashamed or guilty for being who you are, aka being LGBTQ+. Remind yourself that the way of opposite action is pride.
Validate Yourself.
There is a likely reason that you have a complicated relationship with your family, and it makes sense that you may not want to spend time with them. It is normal to feel guilty or ashamed for having a complicated relationship with your family and not wanting to spend time with them. It is also understandable that you want to spend the holidays with them, even though they may have caused pain and suffering. Your feelings are valid. Make sure to validate your feelings by reframing judgmental thoughts or practicing self-compassion. Check the facts by yourself or with someone you trust to validate your feelings.
Distress Tolerance Skills.
If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed or experiencing intense emotions, you might need to do some distress tolerance skills to help you calm down before trying some of the other recommended tips. These work quickly to help you better tolerate the emotion or the situation. The STOP skill can help you not act on urges to do or say things that you might regret later. The TIP skill can help you get out of emotion mind very quickly. There are four parts to TIP: tipping your temperature with cold water, intense exercise, paced breathing, and paired muscle relaxation.
Navigating complicated family dynamics is hard on any given day, and it can feel amplified during the holidays. Dreading the holidays is a normal experience when you have a complicated family dynamic. Be sure to prioritize your self-care and spend time with your support system. In using these strategies, you can hopefully have a happy holiday season or, at the very least, have it not be as overwhelming. If you would like more resources on managing stress around the holidays due to more specific issues, check out these blogs:
Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder
Your Guide to Visiting Home for the Holidays as an LGBTQ+ Person
Supporting Loved Ones in Active Addiction During the Holidays
Navigating Sobriety During the Holidays: A Guide to Staying on Track
About the Author
Robyn Williams (she/her), M.A., LPCC is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Robyn works with teens and adults in a compassionate judgment-free manner to meet clients where they are in life. Robyn helps her clients develop the tools they need in order to live their life worth living, and find what means most to them. Robyn believes that while therapy can be intimidating at times, it can be a conduit for personal growth. Click here to learn more about Robyn’s experience and therapeutic approach.