When people think of the holidays, they often think of family, joy, and sharing in long established traditions. But, going home for the holidays can be full of ups and downs, with many of us finding it difficult to feel truly connected to our loved ones. It’s especially challenging when your family disapproves of, or is unaccepting of, you and your identity. The topic of sexuality and prejudice is a complex one. This guide isn’t meant to be exhaustive, but instead offers a place to begin your own plan when going home for the holidays.
Setting Boundaries with DEARMAN
Decide ahead of time what you are, and are not, willing to discuss or do. Maybe this looks like not being willing to debate political topics or not participating in certain family activities. One way to do this is by using the DBT skill DEARMAN. This looks like describing the problem or situation with just the facts, expressing our emotions or the impact it has on us, and asserting what needs to be different. Reinforcing a positive or negative consequence also helps when enforcing your boundaries.
Not every moment has to be a teachable one, it’s completely ok to prioritize your own well being and emotional safety. Check out this website for a full breakdown of DEARMAN.
Having a Support Person
Plan ahead to have someone – a friend, a cousin, or even your mental health provider who you can reach out to for support. Someone you can step away to give a call if your uncle is ranting or if grandma said something disarming and hurtful. If possible, bringing this person along can help in grounding yourself while navigating family difficulties. If none of your supports are available to you, another option is writing down things you might want to vent about and decompress later with another person.
FAST: The Skill for Self Respect
Maintaining self respect can be so challenging when attempting to keep the peace. FAST is a DBT skill built to support your sense of self respect and integrity when facing relationship difficulties. This skill can seem deceptively simple but can be so effective in practice!
Holding FAST means:
- (being) Fair
- (no) Apologies
- Sticking to your values
- (being) Truthful
If interested, this blog goes over FAST in more detail.
Plan Your Exit & Know Your Limits
Know your limits and how you can take a break should things get overwhelming. Whether that’s stepping outside for fresh air or concocting a reason ahead of time to use when ready to go. Keep in mind you can go at any time, even should someone disapprove of leaving right after dinner. Stick to your plan.
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a skill for when reality itself is unacceptable. It means acknowledging the facts of the situation or the actions of another person and wholly accepting that we cannot change parts or all of reality. Keep in mind, acceptance is NOT approval or giving permission. It is keeping our eyes wide open to reality, even when it’s painful. For more info on what reality acceptance really means and how to practice it, check out our blog here.
Celebrating Yourself & Creating New Traditions
Sometimes we feel obligated to spend the holidays the way our families always have. Maybe we’re considering whether our traditions still even make sense for us. Whether choosing to create your own path or changing up how you celebrate, there’s many ways to still enjoy the holidays in a way that affirms and supports who you are. Maybe this looks like putting together a friendsgiving, starting a new tradition such as seeing a movie with your partner, or volunteering. Get creative and stick to your values, celebrating any holiday doesn’t have to look a specific way.
Final Thoughts
This time of year can be difficult and bring up some hard emotions, but please remember you are not alone. I want to emphasize how different families are and that there is no one size fits all approach. It’s my hope that this brief list can at the very least give you some ideas on how you prepare and find some support. Check out the list below for a few websites that offer LGBTQ specific mental health blogs, community outreach, and education resources. Be safe and take good care of yourself out there.