The holiday season is often described as “the most wonderful time of the year,” filled with lights, family, and celebration. But for children who are grieving — whether from the death of a loved one, divorce, separation, or other loss — the holidays can bring confusion, sadness, and longing. As adults, we may want to protect children from pain, but grief doesn’t pause for the holidays. The good news is that we can help kids navigate this season with validation, balance, and skillful support. Using skills from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we can offer both structure and compassion — helping children make room for sadness while also noticing moments of joy and connection.
1. Validate Their Feelings
Children often feel alone in their grief — especially when the world around them seems focused on happiness and celebration. They may think, “I should feel happy, but I just miss them.” Validation means acknowledging that what they feel makes sense given their experience. You don’t have to fix it; you just need to recognize it. Try phrases like:
- “It makes sense that you feel sad when we hang the ornaments.”
- “I can see that you miss Grandma — she was such a big part of our holidays.”
- “You don’t have to pretend to be okay today.”
Validation helps children feel seen and safe enough to express their emotions rather than suppress them.
2. Use Wise Mind to Find Balance
In DBT, Wise Mind is the place where Emotion Mind (feelings) and Reasonable Mind (logic) meet. During the holidays, it’s easy for both kids and adults to swing between extremes:
- Emotion Mind: “I can’t do any of our old traditions — it’s too sad.”
- Reasonable Mind: “We just have to move on and get through it.”
- Wise Mind says, “It’s okay to feel sad and still want to celebrate.”
You can help kids connect with Wise Mind by:
- Doing a “Wise Mind breath” together: slow inhale, slow exhale, and imagine calm understanding in the middle of your chest.
- Talking about what both parts might say (“The sad part wants to skip the tree, the wise part says maybe we make it smaller this year”).
3. Opposite Action: Making Space for Moments of Joy
When grief feels heavy, children (and adults) may want to avoid activities they once enjoyed. DBT’s Opposite Action skill helps us act opposite to unhelpful urges when emotions don’t fit the facts or are stronger than the situation calls for. If a child wants to isolate, gently encourage a small step toward connection — not to erase the sadness, but to remind them that multiple emotions can coexist.
Examples:
- Decorating one cookie instead of all of them.
- Listening to one favorite song together.
- Lighting a candle in memory of the person they miss.
The goal isn’t to force cheerfulness — it’s to help them stay connected to life and love, even when it hurts.
4. Building Emotional Regulation: Naming What’s There. Teaching children to name emotions helps them regulate and make sense of their inner world.
Use the “Name it to Tame it” approach:
- “I notice you seem frustrated — is that what you’re feeling?”
- “It sounds like there’s sadness underneath the anger.”
You can also introduce a simple emotions chart or feelings thermometer (0–10) to help them gauge intensity. This helps normalize that emotions change and don’t need to be feared.
5. Radical Acceptance: Making Peace with What Is
Holidays after loss are different — and that difference hurts. Radical Acceptance means acknowledging reality without judging it. It’s not approving or liking the loss; it’s saying, “This is where we are, and we can choose how to move through it.”
You might say to your child:
- “It’s okay that this Christmas feels different.”
- “We can miss Dad and still make new memories together.”
Acceptance allows space for both pain and possibility. It teaches children that they can handle life’s changes without collapsing under them.
Reflection for Parents
- What emotions come up for you during this season?
- How might your children pick up on your grief or stress?
- What tradition or ritual could help your family honor the person you miss — while also creating something new?
Even simple gestures, like hanging one special ornament or sharing a story about a loved one, can help kids integrate loss into the fabric of ongoing life.
Grief during the holidays can feel complicated — but it’s also an opportunity to teach children that all emotions are welcome. By modeling DBT skills like validation, Wise Mind, Opposite Action, and Radical Acceptance, you’re showing them how to stay present, connected, and resilient. Because the goal isn’t to have a perfect holiday — it’s to have an honest one, filled with compassion for yourself and for each other.
About the Author
Christina Huster (she/her ), LISW, is a Licensed Independent Social Worker with a passion for helping individuals of all ages navigate the challenges of emotion dysregulation. Specializing in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Christina works with kids, teens, and adults to build practical skills for managing emotions, improving relationships, and creating a life worth living. She is deeply committed to the adherent DBT approach and firmly believes it is one of the most effective methods for fostering meaningful, lasting change. Click Here to learn more about Christina’s experience and therapeutic style.