Today, I want to talk about Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and friendship! There are numerous scientific studies and evidence that demonstrate the positive impact and importance of having positive, healthy friendships and social connections for our overall mental and physical well-being. I’ve also observed the importance of friendship and connection first-hand with many of my clients, who often express difficulty making friends and/or psychological distress related to unsatisfying relationships in their lives. No matter what your age, young or well into adulthood, having positive interpersonal relationships in your life is incredibly important!
WHAT IS DBT?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of Cognitive-Behavioral therapy that was developed in the 1970s by Dr. Marsha Linehan. Initially, DBT was developed to help individuals struggling with interpersonal chaos, impulsiveness, suicidal behavior, intense emotional swings, and confusion about the self and self-identity, and has been found over time to be incredibly effective in treating a number of other mental health concerns, including substance use disorders, Post-Traumatic Stress, eating disorders, Anxiety, Depression, and more. A critical aspect of DBT treatment is the teaching and practicing of different types of skills to help individuals manage intense emotions, better tolerate distressing situations, and improve interpersonal effectiveness skills. In DBT work, we strive to find a balance between the ideas of acceptance and change (learning to better accept and embrace the present moment while also actively making changes that will contribute to a better future). DBT treatment consists of four skills modules to help individuals work towards this, which include:
- Mindfulness skills, which relate to the practice of being fully aware and in the present moment without judgment;
- Distress tolerance skills, which help individuals cope with intense emotions or difficult decisions without acting impulsively or making regrettable decisions;
- Emotion Regulation skills, which help individuals better understand, manage, and express their emotions in more effective ways, and;
- Interpersonal effectiveness skills, which help individuals more effectively navigate social situations, set boundaries and personal limits, assert their needs in more respectful and confident ways, and attain more balance in relationships.
Great, so we’ve briefly touched on the different types of skills in DBT… How can they help someone make friends?
- Mindfulness (Being Present and Engaged): Practicing mindfulness allows us to be more aware and involved in the present moment without judgment, which can help you improve your ability to truly listen to others while improving your own self-awareness that makes way for you to respond in ways that are more authentic, considerate, and validating to others.
- Emotional Regulation: For many people, strong, distressing emotions such as anxiety or fear can be a significant barrier to initiating contact and connection with others. You might worry about how others are perceiving you, feel insecure about putting yourself out there, or feel overwhelmed by self-doubt or fear of judgment. Improving emotional regulation skills can help you to better understand and manage these feelings, resulting in you feeling more confident in social situations and more likely to feel capable of taking the first step toward making new friends.
Managing Conflict: Tension, disagreements, and conflict are all natural, and potentially inevitable, things we all will experience in relationships. Distress tolerance skills can help you handle difficult emotions in these situations without reacting impulsively or making the situation worse. Instead of allowing small issues to escalate into bigger problems, you’ll learn skills that will allow you to approach conflicts calmly and respectfully. By implementing distress tolerance skills, you can work to keep misunderstandings from turning into relationship-ending issues while keeping your friendships healthy and intact.- Assertiveness and Healthy Limits: Interpersonal effectiveness skills are incredibly important skills taught in DBT. These skills are essential in learning how to effectively communicate your needs, boundaries, and personal limits clearly and confidently while respecting the limits and boundaries of others. For example, if a friend is overstepping a personal boundary or pushing your limits, you’ll have the tools to assertively express your feelings without causing unnecessary conflict. Similarly, if you find yourself needing some alone time to “recharge”, DBT skills can help you ask for it without feeling guilty.
- Building trust and emotional connection: DBT skills can help you to become more emotionally available, supportive, and responsive to others- all important attributes to creating connection! By practicing the skills taught through DBT, you can better attune yourself to the wants and needs of others around you, allowing you to offer support, empathy, and comfort to when needed. When you are able to be present and attentive, people are more likely to feel comfortable and safe enough to be vulnerable around you, strengthening your bond and creating deeper connections.
Making friends may feel daunting at times, but with the right tools and strategies, it becomes easier. DBT provides practical skills to help you manage your emotions, engage in social situations with confidence, and communicate effectively. Whether you’re starting to make new friends or nurturing existing relationships, DBT can be an invaluable resource to help you connect with others and build deeper, more meaningful friendships.
By practicing these skills, you’ll be better prepared to navigate relationships and create lasting, supportive friendships that enrich your life. So why not give DBT a try and start building those connections today?
About the Author:
Ashley Weber (she/her), M.A., LPCC-S, LICDC-CS is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Licensed Independent Chemical Dependency Counselor specializing in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Ashley generally works with adults 18 and older in a supportive, accepting, and non-judgmental manner to help individuals explore, identify, and begin to implement the kind of changes each individual person believes they need to live a more fulfilling life while providing new tools and skills along the way. Click here to learn more about Ashley’s experience and therapeutic approach.