Having a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be difficult at times. BPD is characterized by having unstable relationships and a fear of abandonment. There is a lot of stigma around BPD; many people think that having any type of relationship with someone with BPD may cause them a lot of stress. All relationships have their ups and downs, not just relationships with people who have BPD. If you have a relationship with someone with BPD, there are things that you can do to support both them and yourself at the same time. This blog will explore how you can support your loved one while maintaining your own mental health.
1. Educate Yourself About BPD
One of the biggest things you can do to support your loved one is to better understand them and their diagnosis. Here are some blogs about BPD that can help you gain a better understanding of what BPD is and how it can impact relationships. Understanding why your loved one may react in certain ways will help you to be more validating, increase your compassion, and potentially decrease your frustration. It is more effective to understand than it is to judge and blame.
2. Validation, Not Approval
People with BPD often experience extreme emotions that can lead to mood swings, anxiety, anger, or other negative emotions. Try to approach your loved one with patience and empathy. All behavior is caused and therefore it is understandable, even when it is not justifiable. You can validate their emotions, but that doesn’t mean that you agree or approve of their behavior. Validation can help decrease reactivity while also increasing trust and security in relationships.
3. Encourage Professional Treatment
While your support is crucial, professional help is essential for managing BPD. Encourage your partner to seek therapy, especially DBT, which is the gold standard treatment for BPD. Medication may also be helpful for managing co-occurring conditions like depression or anxiety. If they are hesitant, offer to help them find a therapist or attend sessions with them.
4. Practice Effective Communication
DBT has a whole module of skills on interpersonal effectiveness to help people get what they while maintaining relationships and their self-respect. In particular, DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST are the skills that help with this the most. Here are tips that help in addition to the IE skills:
Avoid accusatory language and instead use “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed when we argue,” rather than, “You always overreact.” Listening actively and responding thoughtfully can prevent misunderstandings and foster deeper connection.
5. Be Mindful of Your Limits
Observing your limits is essential to maintaining a balanced relationship. There is a difference between setting a boundary and holding a limit, here is a blog about the difference between them. Communicate your limits with kindness but firmness. For example, if your partner often lashes out in anger, let them know that you’re willing to discuss issues when they are more regulated or when they’re in wise mind, but you won’t tolerate attacks.
6. Take Care of Yourself
This is the biggest one. In order to support someone with BPD, you have to prioritize your well-being as well. Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD can be emotionally taxing. Make sure to prioritize self-care, maintain hobbies, and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Joining a support group for loved ones of individuals with BPD can also provide guidance and encouragement. DBT encourages clients to orient their support system to their treatment, which might mean teaching the skills to their friends and family. DBT skills are effective for anyone to use, not just people with BPD!
Conclusion
Supporting a loved one with BPD requires patience, understanding, and commitment. While the journey may be challenging, fostering a loving, stable, and communicative relationship can lead to personal growth for both you and your loved one. Remember that you are not alone, and seeking help—both for your loved one and yourself—is a sign of strength, not weakness. By creating a supportive and healthy environment, you can navigate the complexities of BPD while maintaining a fulfilling relationship.
About the Author
Robyn Williams (she/her), M.A., LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Robyn works with teens and adults in a compassionate judgment-free manner to meet clients where they are in life. Robyn helps her clients develop the tools they need in order to live their life worth living, and find what means most to them. Robyn believes that while therapy can be intimidating at times, it can be a conduit for personal growth. Click here to learn more about Robyn’s experience and therapeutic approach.