In the US, 15.5 million adults have been diagnosed with ADHD, and about half of them were diagnosed as adults (18 years old or older). I am one of those people who was diagnosed as an adult. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 23 years old, and it changed my perspective on everything. It was so validating to know why I struggled to start tasks and finish them, or why I would lose track of time and then have to rush in order to not be late. As part of the assessment process, it asked to reflect on my childhood and the different things I struggled with. My room was pretty much always messy because if I put my clothes away, I would forget about them. I would chew gum pretty much all day in school to help focus. I would play with my hair or earrings and fidget. I had systems to help me remember homework and other tasks, or else I would forget to do them. I was in dance, soccer, softball, Girl Scouts, and a myriad of other activities that I was able to channel my energy into.
To me, it was so obvious that I had ADHD after learning more about it, but no one ever knew because I wasn’t interrupting people or getting out of my seat because I couldn’t sit still. I had to accept that the signs were missed, not because my parents refused to get me tested, but because when I was growing up, there was a narrow understanding of what ADHD looked like. It wasn’t until the early 2000s that it started to be more accepted that girls can also have ADHD, but even then, it often went underdiagnosed.
ADHD research has grown leaps and bounds since I was little. We now know that ADHD has different presentations and will look different in boys than in girls. Every day, we know more about ADHD and all of the ways it impacts a person than we did the day before. Learning different ways to do things helped me accept my new normal. While it was easy enough for me to accept that I had ADHD, it was harder for my parents.
When I told my parents that I was diagnosed with ADHD, they were first confused because I wasn’t acting differently than I always had. Then they were regretful and sad that they “missed” it. They were worried that I would resent them for not getting diagnosed earlier in life. Of course, I would have loved to be diagnosed earlier; it would have made a lot of things easier. But, I don’t hold it against them. I know that if they were more aware of how ADHD looks in girls, they would have gotten me assessed. How were they supposed to know what they didn’t know?
With almost 8 million people getting diagnosed as adults, that also means that almost 8 million parents likely have had similar feelings to my parents when they found out their adult child was diagnosed with ADHD. You may not know what to do after finding out this big piece of information about your child, and that’s okay. Here are some things that you can do to help process this:
Give yourself time to process.
It is normal to be shocked by the news, and it takes time to process. This also means allowing yourself to feel any emotions that may come up as a result of learning this. It’s common to feel sadness, shame, or frustration that you weren’t aware of how your child was struggling.
Remind yourself that not everyone presents the same.
ADHD presents differently in every gender and every person. Check out this blog to learn more about how ADHD presents in girls. There was one girl I knew who was diagnosed as a child with ADHD. When we were little, she was very hyperactive and impulsive. She likely has a different presentation than I do, and so when I told my parents that I have ADHD, their first thought was that I didn’t behave like she did.
Don’t beat yourself up that you didn’t see it in your child.
Both of my parents are nurses and know a lot about medicine and health, but they didn’t work in mental health spaces. They weren’t trained to look for signs of ADHD. Even if they were trained, like previously mentioned, they might not have noticed since, at the time, it was thought that only boys could have ADHD. Of course, you want to do everything you can to help your child, but it is impossible to look for something you’re not aware of. Validate yourself that you did everything you could to help your child and continue to support them as they navigate their ADHD.
Learn about ADHD treatment.
My parents said that seeing me feel better and regulate my emotions more easily helped them in accepting that I have ADHD. I was less anxious and happier, which in turn made them happy. Medication is a common method for managing ADHD, but it is not the only route. Therapy to learn skills to help with time management, organization, and emotion regulation is a critical part of ADHD treatment.
Even though I was diagnosed as an adult, I’ve had ADHD all my life, and your child has as well. It is completely understandable to feel confused and upset after learning that your child has ADHD, but denying it doesn’t make it go away. Validate yourself and your child by getting curious about their experiences with ADHD. Doing so can hopefully strengthen the relationship you have with your child.
About the Author
Robyn Williams (she/her), M.A., LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Robyn works with teens and adults in a compassionate judgment-free manner to meet clients where they are in life. Robyn helps her clients develop the tools they need in order to live their life worth living, and find what means most to them. Robyn believes that while therapy can be intimidating at times, it can be a conduit for personal growth. Click here to learn more about Robyn’s experience and therapeutic approach.
References
My parents for their experiences in accepting that I have ADHD.
Staley, B. S., Robinson, L. R., Claussen, A. H., Katz, S. M., Danielson, M. L., Summers, A. D., Farr, S. L., Blumberg, S. J., & Tinker, S. C. (2024). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder diagnosis, treatment, and telehealth use in adults — National Center for Health Statistics Rapid Surveys system, United States, October–November 2023. MMWR. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, 73(40), 890–895.