Anger is an adaptive emotion that prompts us to take action and protect ourselves. Although greater specificity for identifying and understanding anger is provided in the previous blog post, anger generally manifests with a prompting event (e.g., a person feels attacked or threatened) physiological sensations (e.g., muscles tightening) and anger thoughts (“this should not be happening”). Oftentimes, the loved ones of an individual who manifests intense anger episodes struggle with figuring out how to respond to that individual’s anger. While this blog post does not focus on direct physical violence on the one hand of the spectrum or more mild forms of anger on the other, the purpose of this blog post is to equip individuals to manage what I will refer to as 9-out-of-10 (i.e., on a scale from 0, no anger, to 10, highest intensity) anger in other adults.
To picture 9-out-of-10 anger, one might consider it to be “rage” or “seeing red,” which is sometimes accompanied by aggressive behavior. Often, the individual is yelling or screaming with specific anger verbiage (e.g., “I f***ing hate all of you!!”). When handling 9-out-of-10 anger, cognitive or problem-solving strategies will not be effective because the individual is not able to think clearly. Instead, the first goal is to ensure the safety of people around that individual.
To first ensure your own safety, it is best to briefly and clearly inform the individual that you need to remove yourself and can discuss the matter later (e.g., “We cannot discuss this now! I will be back later to discuss!”) Next, promptly exit, making sure to keep a barrier between yourself and the other individual, until the emotion of the person with intense anger shifts. This process is imperative for several reasons: (1) fighting back may reinforce the aggressive behavior, (2) time is needed for the emotion to shift, and (3) other individuals will not be effective at deescalating anger if they do not have a general sense of psychological safety.
This cautious response to an individual with 9-out-of-10 anger is only needed when the safety of other individuals is jeopardized, or when the feeling of lack-of-safety is sufficient that other individuals are not able to act effectively. Importantly, levels of “feeling safe” will vary based on the competence of the person who is present with the individual who is experiencing 9-out-of-10 anger (e.g., someone who is highly experienced in managing aggressive behavior may have a higher threshold for needing to remove themselves). If the person who is present with the rageful person is physically safe, and has enough psychological safety to implement techniques that may be effective, then there are different options for promoting the other individual’s safety. First, if the person experiencing the rage has some awareness of their emotional state, another individual can coach them to use distress tolerance skills, such as the STOP skill (preventing oneself from acting) coupled with skills to decrease immediate physiological arousal (e.g., tipping the temperature, from the TIP skill). When reminding the person (recall that individuals with a 9-out-of-10 intensity of anger will not be able to think clearly), the commands provided need to be clear and direct (e.g., “Stop! Just wait!”) and repetitive.
Another strategy that takes more practice is to identify the primary emotions in the individual’s rant, and then use those emotions to guide the response. For example, if you hear an individual, who has previously responded by hitting and kicking, yelling, “I am such a loser. My life is over. I hate you!” with an angry tone, then one could use verbal statements directed toward the shame (“I am such a loser”) and despair (“My life is over”) by saying phrases like (“I’m proud of who you are!” “This is tough, but things will get better!”), while ignoring the “I hate you” phrase to prevent reinforcement of the secondary emotional response.
Even when intervening in these ways, it is important to not underestimate how failure to step back and take care of one’s own safety and emotional state backfires specifically with anger reactions. Recall that if the anger is a 9-out-of-10, anger is a form of self-protection and therefore, other individuals surrounding a person with 9-out-of-10 anger are harmed more than the individual having the experience. Although some individuals rightfully argue that an angry individual could harm themselves, and this is certainly true, there are several factors to consider. First, if an individual who is experiencing very intense anger self-harms, they likely shifted to another emotional state like shame (including thoughts such as, “I’m a terrible person.”) When a the loved one notices this shift, they can return to help the person to step out of the shame spiral. Second, an individual could harm themselves by doing a behavior like punching a wall or impulsively using drugs. In this case, the loved one will be more effective by shaping the environment to prevent this form of harm. Third, and this is most likely, an individual could harm themselves by harming other people. If a loved one is not mindful of their limits with safety, the loved one could make this interpersonal harm more likely to take place.
This overview provides options for deescalating 9-out-of-10 anger. There are many factors to weigh when considering how to respond effectively when a loved one experiences intense anger. As you problem-solve, it can be helpful to work on the difficulty with a behavioral coach that is able to problem solve these complex situations without one-size-fits-all answers. The science of anger management continues to evolve, so there is hope if you or a loved one are struggling.
References
Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
About the Author
Samuel Eshleman Latimer (he/his), Psy.D., is a clinical psychology postdoctoral fellow that specializes in effective conflict management and dialectical behavior therapy. Samuel also works to help individuals, couples, and families decrease interpersonal difficulties and manage challenges associated with borderline personality disorder. Samuel believes that people do not need to choose between learning effective techniques that are based on science and developing warm, genuine relationships, as both of these styles complement each other. Click Here to learn more about Samuel’s experience and therapeutic style.