To understand men with both narcissistic and borderline personality disorder, I want to provide a snapshot of an interaction from both an external perspective and the man’s individual perception. First, from an external perspective, consider one woman’s interaction with her husband that is struggling. She arrives ten minutes late to dinner, and finds that he is glaring at her, shaking his fists, taunting, “you really f***ed up.” “I meant to text you, but there was traffic on the way,” she replies, trying to avoid an argument. “You’re completely inept at time management! You wasted my f***ing time!” “Fine,” she exclaims, “I’m going to walk away now because I do not deserve to be treated this way.” “Don’t turn your back on me! This is our date, you said we would have our date!” “I’m going away for a bit, I can’t do this,” she says back, trying to remain somewhat calm. Suddenly, his anger shifts to desperation and misery. He is sobbing, “How could you do this to me? I just want to spend time together! I give you everything. Just stay!” She hesitantly returns to the table and sits down.
Next, let’s take a closer look at his internal experience. He arrived at the upscale restaurant on time, and he told the waiter that his wife would be right there. He had felt a sense of pride about the luxuries of the restaurant he had picked, but his pride mixed with other emotions from the day. He thought that one waitress was attractive, which flashed a rapid sensation of guilt through his body. Yet, the guilt was quickly suppressed and covered up by another thought, “don’t be a f***ing p***y.” Then, this hint of shame went through his body when he looked at the clock, 7 minutes after, “does she give a f*** about me?” The waiter asked, “are you ready to order?” Anger flashed through his veins. “How dare she humiliate me in public?” Then, he saw her come in, and noticed the way that she spoke to the waiter who was letting people in. She smiled at the waiter. She never smiled at him like that. “She wants other guys, not me and my bit**iness.” By the time she walked over, he felt this impulsive rage in his body as he said what he said. Then, when she started to walk away, anger stopped momentarily, only to be replaced by the most dreaded emptiness and aching sensation in his chest. He felt like his whole body was trembling, as tears raced down his cheeks, while his stomach was in serious pain, mirroring the shame he felt at being exposed emotionally in public.
When an individual’s primary emotional struggle involves a combination of narcissistic and borderline personality behavior, life is very difficult for that individual and their loved ones. While anyone across the gender spectrum can develop this combination of difficulties, men are particularly susceptible to narcissistic behavior due to both biological factors (i.e., testosterone levels) and environmental factors (i.e., being strongly conditioned to value strength and extinguish weakness). Unlike other men with narcissistic personality disorder, men with traits of narcissistic and borderline personality disorder display intense emotions beyond just anger, and are unable to fully suppress emotions like jealousy, sadness, and shame. Nevertheless, they hold the same ideals of strength and power that make the acceptance of softer emotions quite challenging.
The loved ones of men with a combination of narcissistic and borderline personality behaviors may experience burnout associated with the individual’s mood difficulties. Nevertheless, it is also true that loved ones may contribute to the individual’s healing process throughout the lifespan. Intense conflicts and separation may prompt men with narcissistic and borderline personality disorders to seek help. However, the crisis has to be intense enough to produce a stronger force than the factors reinforcing the man’s avoidance of help-seeking behavior. Interestingly, other than relying on themselves to solve their own problems, men with narcissistic and borderline behaviors will often rely on a conflictual relationship with another loved one in their life (e.g., a Mother, a wife) to work on their emotional needs over time. Although the relationship is quite difficult, this relationship represents the closest relationship where love or support can be offered in a socially acceptable way. For traditional heterosexual men, the romantic partner often replaces the Mother’s role by providing emotional support. Although much support can take place in this context, it is also true that these men would benefit from support from other men in their life and professional sources. In doing so, loved ones are less likely to feel burnt out with the challenging narcissistic and borderline personality behaviors that arise. Future blogs may explore differential ways of responding to narcissistic and borderline personality behaviors, though reading past blogs on narcissistic personality disorder may also be helpful.