Failure can feel like a form of invalidation, but it’s important to dig into what is being invalidated and by whom. Externally, failure can sometimes lead to others doubting your abilities, rejecting your ideas, or treating you as “less than,” which feels like direct invalidation. Internally, we often tie our self-worth to success. So when we fail, it can feel like we ourselves are being invalidated, not just the effort or attempt.
But it’s crucial to realize: failure isn’t inherently invalidation. Failure is data. It shows what didn’t work, not who you are. It’s the interpretation of failure that turns it into a personal invalidation rather than a neutral step in learning or progress.
We can all agree that it hurts to be invalidated. While it isn’t fun to experience invalidation, sometimes it can also be helpful. This is where invalidation and failure overlap: invalidation is helpful when it corrects mistakes. Corrective feedback is information that shows you that your behavior isn’t getting you closer to reaching your goal. This is often called constructive feedback because it tells you what you were doing wrong and how to help you fix your mistakes for your next attempt. Without failure, you may never recognize the specific changes needed to improve your skills or behavior.
Constructive feedback can still be hard to take. Like I mentioned in this blog, failure is hard to tolerate. If we can better tolerate the negative emotions that come up when we fail at something, we can use the information and data from our failures to learn and grow.
Here’s how you can recover from invalidation, a.k.a. failure:
- Check the facts – check all of the facts of the situation nonjudgmentally, it might be helpful to do this with someone you trust to validate the valid.
- Acknowledge and work to change your invalid responses – judging and blaming don’t solve problems, and doing this isn’t going to make you feel better.
- Drop judgmental self-statements – reframe your thoughts from “I can never do anything”, “I’m stupid”, or “I should I have known it was never going to work” to “I did my best”, “Just because it didn’t work doesn’t mean I’m stupid”, or “I now know that that method won’t work”. You don’t have to be 100% positive, but aim for neutral, nonjudgmental statements. A more empowering and effective way to reframe failure invalidation would be:
- Failure is feedback, not a verdict.
- Failure challenges methods, not identity.
- Failure invalidates an approach, not a person.
- Remind yourself that all behavior is caused – remember that you are, and have always been, doing the best you can, and that you can continue to try to do better.
- Be compassionate towards yourself – failure hurts, and it’s okay to be upset when it happens.
- Acknowledge your valid responses – self-validation can take a lot of work and a lot of verbal processing. Praise yourself for what you have achieved!
- Describe your experiences and actions in a supportive environment – this may bring up some of the negative emotions you felt when you failed, but by exposing you to them, it can help you learn what went wrong and where you can change things without getting overwhelmed by the emotions.
- Treat yourself with respect – we’re often kinder and more understanding of other people than we are to ourselves. Treat yourself the way you would treat a loved one in your same situation.
- Remind yourself that invalidation isn’t a catastrophe – failure sucks, but it isn’t the end of the world. If you were to give up every time you failed at something, then you would never learn how to do anything. It can be helpful to come up with a cope ahead plan for when you fail, so you know what to do and it is less overwhelming.
When you can feel the shame, sadness, and frustration that often come with failure, but not get overwhelmed by those emotions, you can start to build mastery in whatever new skill or topic you’re learning. The more and more you tolerate failure, the easier it will be to experience it. This will build your confidence in trying new things and your resilience in doing hard things. You might even notice a change in mindset and start to see failure as opportunities, rather than roadblocks.
While failure can be frustrating and discouraging, it is an essential component of learning and growth. It teaches adaptability, resilience, and problem-solving skills while fostering a growth mindset and inspiring innovation. By validating the valid in failure and learning to tolerate the emotions that come with failure, you can use your failure to your advantage. Failure doesn’t have to be the end of the world, it can be a new beginning.
About the Author
Robyn Williams (she/her), M.A., LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. Robyn works with teens and adults in a compassionate judgment-free manner to meet clients where they are in life. Robyn helps her clients develop the tools they need in order to live their life worth living, and find what means most to them. Robyn believes that while therapy can be intimidating at times, it can be a conduit for personal growth. Click here to learn more about Robyn’s experience and therapeutic approach.