If you’ve ever asked your teen how therapy went and gotten nothing but a shrug or the familiar “I don’t know,” you’re not alone. It can feel confusing, frustrating, or even scary—especially when you’re hoping therapy will be the thing that finally helps. You may find yourself wondering: Are they shutting down? Are they trying? Is therapy even working?
Here’s what most parents don’t realize:
“I don’t know” isn’t a dead end. It’s a clue.
It tells us something about what your teen is feeling on the inside, even if they can’t say it yet.
The Real Meaning Behind “I Don’t Know”
Teens don’t say “I don’t know” because they don’t care. They say it because something inside feels too big—or too unfamiliar—to put into words.
Sometimes it’s shame.
Sometimes it’s fear of saying the “wrong” thing.
Sometimes it’s not wanting to disappoint you, or the therapist, or themselves.
Sometimes life has been invalidating for so long that identifying their own internal experience feels like trying to read a book in a language they’ve never been taught.
From a DBT perspective, “I don’t know” can be a sign of emotional overload or avoidance—an internal alarm that says, Talking about this feels too hard right now. DBT doesn’t treat this as resistance. It treats it as something to understand with compassion.
When Your Teen Freezes, Therapy Doesn’t Stop
In DBT, we expect that teens will struggle to talk about their emotions at first. That’s part of why DBT exists. Instead of pushing for answers they don’t have yet, we help them slow down and notice what’s happening in their body: the tight chest, the foggy head, the urge to shut down or disappear.
Most teens don’t realize these sensations are information. That tight chest might be anxiety. That foggy head might be sadness. That urge to shut down might be fear. When they say “I don’t know,” they’re not necessarily being dismissive, they’re telling us they’ve lost contact with their inner world, or they never learned how to tune into it. Skills like mindfulness, emotion labeling, and distress tolerance begin to give them that language.
What This Looks Like in Session
A teen might sit across from me, arms crossed, eyes on the floor. I’ll ask what brought up the argument at home or what made the week feel heavy. The teenager shrugs. “I don’t know.”
Instead of digging for an answer they don’t have, we pause. We slow the moment down.
I might ask:
“Where do you feel something in your body right now—your chest, your stomach, your jaw?”
or
“If this moment had a color, what color would it be?”
Once they connect with even a sliver of their inner experience, the door cracks open.
DBT helps them build the capacity to stay with their emotions instead of running from them—one tiny moment at a time.
What Parents Can Do (Without Needing to Become a Therapist)
You don’t have to decode your teen’s emotions at home. In fact, trying too hard can make them pull away more. What helps most is creating a space where it’s safe for them not to know.
That can sound like:
“Take your time. I’m here when you’re ready.”
or “It’s okay if you’re not sure yet. I know these things can be hard to talk about.”
This kind of gentle, validating stance pairs beautifully with DBT. It lowers the pressure and gives your teen room to notice what they feel, instead of scrambling to give a “good answer.”
The shift is slow and subtle. One day, “I don’t know” turns into “maybe…”, which turns into “I felt overwhelmed,” or “I got scared,” or “I felt alone.” That’s when therapy really opens up.
Progress Doesn’t Always Sound Like Words
DBT teaches teens how to understand their emotions, tolerate distress, and speak for themselves. Some weeks they’ll talk. Some weeks they won’t. That doesn’t mean nothing is happening. “I don’t know” is often the very first step toward honesty. Toward vulnerability. Toward awareness. It’s not a brick wall—it’s the starting line. For many teens, showing up at all is the bravest part. DBT helps build the rest.
About the Author:
Cat (she/her), M.A., LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor who approaches therapy with an authentic, curious, and a systems-oriented lens. Cat works with individuals 15 and up, and particularly enjoys supporting young adults as they navigate life transitions and deepen their understanding of themselves. Drawing from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), she helps clients build skills to regulate emotions, manage stress, and create meaningful change, while exploring how the many contexts of their lives shape their well-being. Click here to learn more about Cat’s experience and therapeutic approach.