When either partner in a long-term intimate relationship has considered moving toward divorce or separation, both partners often experience considerable emotional suffering. Couples who are considering divorce or separation may have tried many strategies to maintain or improve their relationship, and when they are unable to find a path forward, separating may be a viable option to consider.
Due to the emotional suffering involved in the process of making this life-altering decision, many partners need help with navigating this difficult time. As the decision-making to decide whether to work on the relationship or separate is a complex process, partners often go back and forth between deciding whether they will stay in the relationship or leave. This fluctuation often overwhelms the other partner, who may take a stance of trying to save the relationship, and makes them uncertain about their decision.
Couples therapists have recognized that life is very challenging for couples on the brink of divorce for a long time, but it was not until the last decade that couples therapists got organized to directly address this stage in long-term relationships. One of the most practical developments to help these couples has been the development of “Discernment Counseling” by Drs. William Doherty and Steven Harris (Doherty & Harris, 2017).
Discernment counseling is a short-term intervention that consists of one to five sessions to help couples discern whether to:
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stay together and work on the relationship
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separate from each other and divorce
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keep things in the relationship the way that they are without working on the relationship further.
Discernment counseling is designed to reduce suffering in this stage of the relationship by helping the couple make a wise decision about which path to pursue. Discernment counseling is distinguished from couples therapy, as improving satisfaction in the relationship is not a goal in discernment counseling.
Interestingly, although discernment counseling was developed by individuals who received their training in marriage and family therapy; discernment counseling was inspired by divorce lawyers who were having a difficult time navigating the divorce proceedings for couples that had a mixed agenda (i.e., one partner wanted a divorce, and the other partner wanted to stay in the relationship), and partners that oscillated back and forth between wanting a divorce and staying together.
Doherty and Harris (2017) addressed this gap by developing discernment counseling, whereby after undergoing discernment counseling the majority of couples either choose to start couples therapy to work on the relationship (47%), or choose to separate (41%). A small minority choose to maintain the relationship as it is without working on the relationship or separating (12%) (Doherty et al., 2015).
One of the benefits of undergoing discernment counseling is that couples may experience less suffering in all three of the routes that they choose, as discernment counseling enables a polarized couple to come to an agreement that will then facilitate healthy collaboration, even if the outcome is divorce. Moreover, discernment counselors can also point couples toward steps to initiate either the couples therapy or divorce process, and do follow-up care for divorcing couples.
If you or a friend is facing a divorce-ambivalent relationship, you may want to consider seeking out a discernment counselor. When looking for a discernment counselor, you can ask professionals marketed as couples therapists if they do discernment counseling (e.g., Dr. Eshleman Latimer is a family therapist that uses discernment counseling), or if you would like someone who is fully certified in the process, you can go to the official discernment counseling website to search for a certified counselor.
When you are faced with an incredibly difficult decision, remember that there are specific counselors that are qualified to help reduce your suffering and empower you to make a wise and informed decision.
About the Author
Samuel Eshleman Latimer (he/his), Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist that specializes in effective conflict management and dialectical behavior therapy. Samuel also works to help individuals, couples, and families decrease interpersonal difficulties and manage challenges associated with borderline personality disorder. He believes that people do not need to choose between learning effective techniques that are based on science and developing warm, genuine relationships, as both of these styles complement each other. Click Here to learn more about Samuel’s experience and therapeutic style.
References:
Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2017). Helping couples on the brink of divorce: Discernment counseling for troubled relationships. American Psychological Association.
Doherty, W. J., Harris, S. M., & Wilde, J. L. (2015). Discernment counseling for “mixed‐agenda” couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42(2), 246-255. doi: 10.1111/jmft.12132