“What if I nothing comes up for me?”
“How will I know what to say?”
“What if my brain just goes blank or something goes wrong?”
These are just a few of the questions just about everyone verbalizes to me when we’re discussing processing. For more information on preparing for EMDR and processing, please check out my other blogs. I wanted to walk you through my experiences in processing, as it hasn’t been the smoothest journey for me. Of course, this is just my experience- everyone’s experiences are going to be different. My hope for this blog is to hopefully provide insight into what can happen and maybe even some comfort in knowing that there are things your therapist can do to navigate whatever comes up in processing.
The Struggle
The first time I processed was in the training I did in February 2023. Just to recap- the training was completed in two 3-day parts and we were able to process in both parts. The first part of the training was when I struggled with processing the most. For background information, I was diagnosed with ADHD in December 2022. At the time of the training, I was testing out Ritalin as a way to manage ADHD symptoms, which turned out to not work well for me. The first time I tried processing, my partner and I completed all the necessary steps. When she initiated the bilateral stimulation (BLS), my mind went blank. Like, completely blank. Nothing was coming up for me at all. We paused, looked at each other questioningly, and then called over the trainer helping our group. Our trainer reviewed the information we had and asked a few more questions to make sure we were on the right track. She then had me close my eyes and try switching the (BLS) to tapping. Still nothing.
I was beyond disappointed. I was really looking forward to this part of the training- we just spent several hours learning about processing, this was my chance to actually do it, and my mind went blank. My trainer assured me this was normal and to be expected. Her theory was that this memory ran deeper than I realized and my brain knows that this is a training environment, thus not an appropriate setting to go into that neural network. She told me that my brain was protecting me from unlocking things I wasn’t prepared to unlock, especially in that particular setting. I was still disappointed, so while my other group members went ahead and processed their stuff, I practiced some deep breathing and self-soothing to regulate and ground myself.
The next day, during one of the practicum experiences, we had extra time left over. The trainer came over and asked if I wanted to try again. By golly, I wanted to try again so bad. We set up again, with a new memory, one that seemed milder. This time, we worked with the ADHD instead of against it. We removed additional stimuli by positioning me so that I was facing a wall. That way I could see my trainer, but I couldn’t see the other groups. The trainer also brought over tappers. Tappers are little hand-held plastic devices connected to a machine that the therapist controls. They create BLS by vibrating back and forth- I held one tapper in each hand. We set it up appropriately and, knowing my brain wants to protect me, then we opted for a more restricted form of EMDR- focusing just on that memory without inviting free association. We were hoping this would give me a greater chance of being able to process.
Then we started processing with my eyes closed and going along with the tappers. Still nothing. We did another round. Still nothing- I could hear other groups talking and I was getting distracted. Okay, new gameplan. I put in my noise-cancelling headphones and blasted white noise to drown out other groups. We tried again. THIS TIME IT WORKED. I began to actually start processing. There were various images coming to mind, I noticed different sensations happening throughout my body, and emotions were changing in response to the images going on in my brain. I was able to process this experience from beginning to end. We did it! I felt so relieved and accomplished. Not to mention that situation was effectively processed in my brain, facilitating relief from that experience.
The next time I processed was the second part of the training, which happened a month later. When we processed again, I had no problems. I was able to follow the hand movements, using eye movements for BLS. Without having to put on headphones or anything!
I’m not 100% sure why I couldn’t process in the first session, but I have several theories. One- I tried to pick something I was only a little upset by (they asked us to not do any major traumas, as it was a training). I have since done more work and realized that our trainer was right- this situation actually was deeper than I realized. I think my brain was like, “Um, no. Not here, not now.” I think another factor involved the fact that day was the first day off Ritalin. I had a poor reaction to Ritalin so my body was coming off of that medication and I did not yet have a different medication to try, so my ADHD symptoms were heightened. Finally, during the second part of the training, I had a better understanding of what to expect, so I knew what I was walking into. I think this helped me be more comfortable and trusting of the process.
Keep Going!
If this is something you’re worried about, there is hope! One, a lot of people process without any problems at all. That being said, just knowing that might not squash your fears, and that’s okay! First, I’d suggest setting yourself up with a compassionate mindset- you’ve never done this before, you’re not expected to be a professional at processing. It takes time to get used to processing and I genuinely mean it when I say you cannot do it wrong. Secondly, if nothing comes to mind, do not fret, your therapist will help! Your therapist will try several things to help with processing such as switching up the type of BLS, adding in prompts or statements, and/or refocusing the processing. If you’re still blank, it’s okay! You and your therapist will work to identify what might be blocking things from coming up. Your brain is just keeping you safe! Even going through the process of uncovering what might be blocking memories from coming up can be healing and is an expected part of the journey. Do your best to be kind to yourself, communicate with your therapist, and keep showing up. You can do this!
Are you looking to start your journey with EMDR? Consider scheduling with a therapist at CCDBT. We’d love to go more in-depth with this skill and many more like it!
About the Author
Maria Mangione (she/her), M.A., LPCC-S is a licensed clinical counselor who specializes in dialectical behavior therapy. She works to help people develop the tools they need to develop trust in themselves and build their life worth living. Maria believes in having meaningful connections with her clients and believes that therapy and healing can be fun. Click Here to learn more about Maria’s experience and therapeutic style.